When will things change for African Americans?

I went to church to pray today.  I prayed for the change that is so desperately needed in these challenging times.  As I settled in for prayer and listened to the readings of the day, I was struck to my core by the homily that Reverend Sean Lanigan had to say.  It echoed a sentiment that I have carried with me throughout my life.  In his homily, he addressed the issues of the day...the senseless killings in Minnesota, Louisiana and Dallas.  We have all lost something in these events.

White American may feel like they lost something in that five white police officers who had taken the oath to serve and protect lost their lives doing the very thing that they have sworn themselves to do.  African Americans lost yet two more lives to senseless violence at the hands of the very people that have sworn to protect us.  There is a sense of outrage, fear and frustration as we move forward into the aftermath of these events.  Many of us are at a loss as to what to do with the emotions that churn within us.

But what Reverend Lanigan said was a message directed at white people.  Although you are not directly responsible for the loss of life that occurred in Louisiana and Minnesota, you can do something.  Feeling guilty is not the answer, for to feel "white guilt" is to give yourself a pass to do nothing.  What he meant by that was if you as a White American allow yourself to feel guilty over the circumstances that have been in place for many African Americans for centuries, then you are in essence saying that, "I feel guilty, which makes me better than the person that feels nothing...and because I feel guilty, that is an excuse to take no action at all."

I walked up to Reverend Lanigan after service and told him that as an African American man, I have been the victim of  passive racism (if there truly is such a thing) for most of my adult life.  That racism came in the form of being stopped by police officers in New Jersey for doing nothing more than driving a nice car, to being passed over for promotions because there was always a more qualified "White" constituent who could do the job better than me...to being told by a supervisor a few years back that I should be happy that I have a job when I was given the promotion that I was due, but the raise that came with that position was given to someone else.

This is my personal reality...a reality that may of my white brothers and sisters will not understand because it is not a part of their reality.  The fairness that all are entitled to is not experienced by all.  And the undercurrent of racism is so entrenched in American culture that it is easy to overlook if you are not the victim of its practices.

Racism is not as overt as the tragic killings that occurred in Louisiana and Minnesota.  Most experiences of racism is actually difficult to prove...but if you are on the receiving end of it, you know it when you see it.

I don't blame all of my trials and tribulations on racism in America, but at the same time, I am smart enough to know that many of the issues that occurred happened because I simply did not fit into a demographic that would allow me to move forward with ease.

And now, I think about my commute to work.  I think about my three younger brothers who are all good, law abiding men and yet I know that they will always be seen as "black" men first.  And honestly, I don't know what that means anymore.  If I say the wrong thing or move the wrong way too fast or too slow, will I be accosted and thrown into jail?  Or worse, will I be shot because my actions were somehow perceived as a threat, even if the threat was only in the mind of the person that stopped me in the first place?

I think about my mother as well as all of the African American mothers out there who have sons and had to groom them for a life that they knew would present challenges for them. They knew that being black in this country is not always an asset.  And this is something that some white people will never understand.

A white mother does not have to prepare her children for the likelihood that her child's life will be made more difficult because of the color of their skin.  Some white people may not want to hear this...but simply because they don't doesn't make it any less a fact

Right now, millions of black mothers are in fear for the safety of their sons and daughters.  My mother is one of them, even though one of her sons is a police officer.

What happened in Louisiana and Minnesota was tragic.  What happened in Dallas was just as tragic.  One incident does not outweigh the other for to say that it does means that someone's pain is greater than someone elses.  Pain is pain.  Hurt is hurt.

Tears that falls from a mothers eyes, regardless of the race of the woman still reflects a broken heart.  Now is the time for a serious dialogue and then the appropriate action to follow behind it.  People need to understand that there is not a need for "White Privilege."  And my white brothers and sisters need to understand that it does exist.  As I said earlier, it is so entrenched in American culture that if you are not on the receiving end of it, you would not be able to see it; and if you can't see it, how will you know that it exists?

I'm not telling you that this is a problem that will be eradicated overnight.  The problem did not appear overnight and it will  not dissipate overnight.  It will be difficult.  The reason why it will be difficult is because many of my white brothers and sisters will not acknowledge that there is a problem and would like to see things remain status quo.  Honestly, if I were part of a demographic that had an edge simply because of the color of my skin, I don't know how quickly I would want to give that up either.

What is needed now more than ever is someone who will lead us with power, peace and the love of God.  We need prayer.  We need to see past our differences.  We truly need to learn how to love and accept one another for everything that we are as well as everything that we aren't.

Because at the end of the day, all lives matter!!!

~ J.L. Whitehead

Can we change?

I have never viewed myself as extraordinary.  I never thought that I would amount to anything great or do something that would make a difference in this world...no matter how much I wanted to.  I've been around people that have said, "Yes...you're going to make it because there's something in you that won't let you fail."

Most times, I would smile and nod...say "thank you" and keep it moving because I didn't believe it.  Not for one second.  The reason I didn't is because I knew the man in the mirror all too well.  I was well aware of all of my shortcomings; shortcomings that were magnified to the tenth power by my experiences.

I had accumulated scars that left deep welts in my psyche.  And yet everyday, I would plaster on a smile and ignore the ache that I had become accustomed to know so intimately.

Pain is a funny thing.  If you lose someone that you love, the ache will be brilliant, hot and it will feel like it will never go away.  It will weigh on your heart until you learn to live with it.  It will seem like you can't...until you do.

My pain became a part of me.  Sometimes, I wore it on my sleeve.  Other times, I pushed it so far back that I almost forgot that it was there.  But it never went away.

The mistakes that I made were magnified to the point that on some days that's all I saw.  It was my reality.  Mine and mine alone.  It never occurred to me to wonder why I felt the way that I did.

It never occurred to me to wonder why at various times in my life, I was so socially awkward that it was easier to drown myself in anything that would numb that pain than it would be to face reality.

There are thousands of men like me.  We carry pain with us and hide it behind our masculinity.  We hold things inside until they explode and then we wind up hurting someone...even if that someone is ourselves.

We push people away without knowing why...perhaps the very people that we want and need to be closest to the most.  We drink too much.  We do drugs.  We indulge in too much sex with anyone and sometimes punish that person because we don't love them.  We may become so engrossed in work to the point that work may seem like that is the only thing that matters.  We cheat on our loved ones, not because we don't love them but because we really don't love ourselves.  And when all else fails, we snap out into a rage over things that may be inconsequential and we don't know why.  In the silence of our rooms, we may even shed a tear only to wipe them away and hide behind our masculinity once again.

We do this without a thought because pain no matter how great or small has become one with us.  We don't talk about it because to talk about it would be tantamount to being weak.  Instead, we continue to live life in  the sense of normalcy that we have always known, even it isn't correct.

So what do we do?

~ J.L. Whitehead

How gullible are we?

When I decided to enter the literary industry, I didn’t have any idea how I was going to convey my thoughts over the topics that would cross my desk.  Initially, I began writing commentaries about whatever moved me at the moment.  This led to the discovery of something that every journalist should think of before putting fingers to keyboard.  It’s the one thing that is at times missing from news reporting in general…and that thing is honesty in writing.

Freedom of the press has given itself free reign over when and how it delivers news.  But somehow that has changed into news being delivered in a manner that we not only want to receive, but also the means of which it is delivered. 

The attention span of the average American citizen is short.  We want information but we only want what we are truly interested in and in most cases that interest has to be something that we agree with.

Objectivity in news reporting has gone to the extreme, at times reporting what we want to hear when we want to hear it.  If we want to hear that something or someone is bad, we simply turn the channel to the network that will support our belief regardless of whether it is right, wrong or otherwise.

You’ll find news media outlets that will report an event and put their own spin on the circumstance to support whatever their watchers happen to believe.  And unfortunately, this is happening with an alarming frequency.  Often you’ll see the same story being reported on two different channels and you wonder “How did they ever get there?”  Maybe they report some facts while leaving out others.  And if that be the case, is this truly the norm in reporting?  Do we willingly believe what is being spoon fed to us because we truly trust that what is being said is the truth, or do we hope it is the version of the truth that we want to believe?

It brings into question what we as a society hold dear as truth.  Do we believe the truth no matter what?  Or do we use our own intelligence and search for the answers that often times elude us, hiding behind a thin veil of what can be construed as honest reporting?

Someone once said that there are two sides of a story, and then there is the truth.

I’ve become leery of any new media outlet that reports a view point that leans too far to the left or right.  Instead, I try to remain objective and research issues that directly pertain to me when time permits.

In contrast, many of us don’t have the time to research the reporting given to us.  It is simply easier to believe what is being told to us without question or thought.  But do we believe what is told to us because it suits our belief system?  Is it easier to believe that things are chaotic when in fact things may be normal?  Do we believe that we are suffering when we are not?

I am watching the presidential campaign from a distance while simultaneously conducting my personal research.  It is necessary to do so to maintain my objectivity as a journalist.  I am not a fan of Donald Trump, but I believe that I have an idea as to why his campaign has gained the momentum that it has and it ties directly to the very topic of this article.

People are angry and they want to believe someone that speaks to their emotions of late.  And if someone speaks to that emotion it will strike a chord with that individual, no matter who that person may be.  There is a general consensus in this country that something has been lost and that our government has perhaps taken something from us.  Some of us will blame the president and his policies.  Some of us may blame the previous administration.  And still, some of us may blame the parties that were instrumental in creating the circumstances that we are in right now.  We can blame the Republicans, Democrats or a combination of the two.

Most of us will not.  We will blame one faction and hold onto whatever shred of proof to support our belief…even if the proof is thin.

I want fairness and equality for everyone in this country.  Everyone should have access to success, peace and prosperity.  That is not something given to only a choice few.

So as I watch the race for the Whitehouse continue, I will continue to do my research, listen to news reporting as it is given, but at the end of the day, I will make up my own mind as to who is speaking the truth as well as who is speaking a lie.

After all, that is my right.

J.L. Whitehead

Lifelong

Lifelong

You were a part of me long before we physically met.

How else can you explain a bond that formed so quickly and lasted for so long?

You were everything…more than I could ever allow myself to dream.

And you gave everything, even when you had nothing left to give.

You made me believe in forever, even when forever seemed lost.

It was never lost, only changing into what God had intended us to be.

For awhile, your smile lit up my world, engulfed my heart and spun me,

pitching me back and forth until I had no idea who I was or what I wanted to be.

You were and always will be.

I will see your face in the kiss of the moon, wrapped in a blanket of stars.

I will feel your embrace in the warmth of the sun as it slips into the twilight of night.

I will hear your voice in the gentle whisper of the wind.

I’ll know it’s you.  You won’t have to tell me.

No one will.

Because I was yours when you said “Hello” all those years ago.

Just as you were mine up until we changed.

I will love you forever, for you taught me that love is lifelong.

I would never have believed it had we never met.

So until we see each other again,

I will listen for you, in the gentle whisper of the wind.

J.L.Whitehead

02/05/2016

How do we fix us?

It’s Sunday Morning and I am sitting in bed with a pillow propped up against my back with my computer on my lap writing.  It’s a wonderful feeling considering I haven’t had the urge to write for months.  For some reason, today, I felt the need to write about a question that has been turning in my mind; revolving like a very slow moving carousel. I’ve been wondering if it is at all possible to fix us as both a race of people as well as a society.  

I’m not sure because even though the question in and of itself is simple enough, the answer is so complex and there are so many moving components to the resolution that you have to wonder if we could ever begin such a mass undertaking as a healing of the self – which is not to be confused with self preservation.

Healing of the self begins with the acknowledgement that something is wrong…that perhaps something is out of place or not working the way it should.  Most of us are very slow to admit that there may be something now quite right with ourselves because many of us have external sources that will do that for us, whether justified or unjustified.  We have no desire to add to the demolition of our own self esteem by coming clean with our own defects of character.  It's easier for us to look at others and perhaps condemn them the same way that we have been condemned.  And in the course of that condemnation, we build ourselves up because we don’t have to blame ourselves for our own misgivings.  Instead, we can look at our neighbor and tell others what they are doing wrong, whether it is how they are living their lives, raising their children or claiming their self-worth, regardless of the facts being founded in truth or embellishment.

When we do this, we open the door to all of the things that we claim to despise but revel in nonetheless.  We don’t love as we should, protect as we should or give as we should…but we want to be protected, given to and loved. 

We act as if we as individuals are the only ones that are entitled to the gifts that this world has to offer; oftentimes forgetting that what we have is simply on loan to us…that there is no way that we can take it with us when we die.  We have become a materialistic people, reveling in all of the accomplishments that we have made as members of the human race while forgetting that some us do not and perhaps never will have as much as we have right now at this very moment.

We struggle, but in that struggle we have forgotten how to love, cherish, honor, obey and yes, become immersed in the act of servitude because part of the joy of being human is to lift up others if at all possible.  But since no one is doing this for us as individuals, how can we possibly do that for someone else?

Our priorities have shifted from others, to us, to only me and we have adopted the attitude that ‘I will survive at any cost’, even if it means stepping on someone in the interim.  For many of us, this is life.  Take it or leave it, like it or love it, this is who we have become.  

Giving has taken a back seat to taking and taking has become commonplace.  If we aren’t taking for ourselves we are taking for our families, and it is in this that we claim that we love them.  So how do we fix us?  How do we fix the broken, battered and betrayed?

How do we move past hurts that have been inflicted on us to the point that the hurt becomes a part of who and what we are; and in that comes the possibility that we may inadvertently pass on that hurt to someone else.   Can we begin to heal the damage that has been done to us or are we doomed to repeat the mistakes that the generations before us have made?

In a heartfelt conversation that I had with my father, he had told me that no one in his family had ever told him that they loved him.  He only knew strict discipline and was subject to many a behind whipping.  As a result, he grew up to be a man who continually placed himself first because he had never known what it was like to have that done for him.  I often wonder what he would have been like had he just been shown love in its basic form.  At what point do we say that we will no longer carry the sins of our fathers (and mothers?)  At what point will we say that I want to love and protect my children better than my parents protected me?  At what point will we begin to give so that we can open the door to receive?  Is it possible for us to learn that the healing first begins with the smallest of steps, but in order to take that step, you have to look in the mirror and embrace what is not so perfect instead of hiding behind the illusion that we are, and then start from there because that is where it all begins?

As previously stated, we can begin to fix us, but the fixing only starts with us as an individual.  Our society has to be adjusted to accept and embrace the differences that have made us unique and wondrous.  Fixing the broken is so much more than internal correction.  It entails each and every person of every race, creed and national origin to let go of what they thought was right and implement what they know to be right.

This isn’t easy because for some of us, it entails undoing much of what we had been taught.  But right is after all right, and wrong is wrong.  How do we fix us?  

It starts with taking a first step…putting one foot in front of the other.  Sadly, many people are comfortable right where they are.

And that is a major part of the problem.

J.L. Whitehead

One in Six

One out of every six males in this country have been the victims of molestation.  Those are the statistics that I have found while conducting the research for my book, "One in Six...45 Years of Dark." 

Personally I think that the rates are higher since men overall don't talk about issues like molestation.  Men as a rule do not identify with being a victim or survivor...at least not when it comes to sex.

Even now, I don't identify with being a survivor.  I don't feel comfortable with that label.  Instead, I choose to believe that what happened to me between the ages of six and fourteen is something that occurred and that it shaped me into becoming who I am today.

When I decided to write this book, initially, I wanted to share my story in the hopes that someone would see themselves in certain aspects of my life.  I thought that maybe if I told  what happened to me and give my readers a window seat into my psyche as I became a man, it may provide them with a rule of thought that may explain why they may think and act the way they do.

Molestation is an ugly topic.  It's a topic that we shy away from as a society because we don't want to believe that this happens so often in a land of freedom and abundance.  We want to believe that the problem isn't as prevalent as it is or that it perhaps happens to a group that is demographically far from our ourselves. 

We may believe that molestation happens to economically challenged groups.  But like domestic violence, molestation happens in all aspects of society.  It happens to the poor and wealthy alike.  It happens to one in every six males, regardless of race, creed, religious affiliation, social status or sexual orientation.

Men of color don't talk about this.  Gay men of color may talk about what happened to them and in certain instances may wear what occurred as a badge of honor instead of thinking that something inside of them has been permanently altered.

After all, for a gay man, it is natural to sleep with a member of the same sex just like it is normal for a heterosexual male to sleep with a woman.  But regardless of the orientation of the victim or their willingness to participate in the activity, once you have sex with an adult, the trajectory of who you would have been has been altered...permanently.

And with that change comes other behaviors that may not be easily recognizable as defects of character.  Instead, it may be dismissed as behaviors attributed to something as simple as the person being who they are at that time.

Knowledge is power.  Once you know what is going on with you, you are equipped to change behaviors that may be detrimental to who you are as well as who you hope to become.

My story is coming...with all of it's tragedies, disappointments and triumphs.  Some of you may see glimpses of yourself in my words.  Some of you may not.  But on the maybe that you do, hopefully it will help you understand why you do the things you do and think the way you think.

Because as I said before, knowledge is power!

J.L. Whitehead

How to market your book when you self publish!

So you've written your book!  It's been edited and you're happy with the final product.  If you're like most of us, you don't have the backing of a publishing house that will take care of the promotional aspect of your work.  You want to put your book out there but you're not sure where to begin.

What do you do?

Well, first off, ask yourself why you wrote your book.  Who did you write the book for?  Who will read your book...or rather, who do you hope will read your book?  And before you answer that question, don't say "everyone."

Everyone will not read your book.  That's the simple truth...no matter how well your manuscript is written.  With that knowledge, acknowledge who WILL read your book and aim your promotional efforts at them.

Your promotional efforts should be done in stages.  After you've established who will read your book, find out where your audience congregate.

For instance, if you've written a book on self-help, wouldn't it make sense to reach out to organizations that would welcome your expertise?  Those organizations (and let's use mental health as an example) may provide you with some information that would prove to be invaluable as to where you can begin the promotion process.

Keep in mind that every organization may not be willing to speak with you, but the more times you try, the greater the chances are that one will be willing to give you some time.  They may even want to offer you a platform to speak about the topic of your work assuming that you've made a good case as to why you are qualified to write the book that you did.

Be armed with cards that will have your contact information.  If you have copies of your book on hand, be prepared to give away a few to those organizations so that they can see your work up close and personal.  While doing this, you should also be willing to create a buzz about your work by investing in yourself and taking out some space in local publications in the media including their Facebook page (once you have gained their permission to do so of course.)

Send them your press release.  See if they will be willing to give you a spot on their website and then blast this out to your following on your blog, website and Facebook page.

This is laying the ground work for your book.

Once you've done this, arrange for your official book release party and invite those same organizations to the event!

Your reach may be different and you may change or tweek your efforts depending on the subject matter of your work.  But you get my idea.

I wish you luck and remember, doing nothing gets you nothing...doing something may get you results!

J.L. Whitehead

The Year of Change

I've thought long and hard before diving head first into this issue.  Initially, I thought that this would be something that I could discuss, possibly even write about without opening up too many doors that I struggled to keep locked over the years.

I don't look at myself as a victim.  I don't look at what happened to me as something so tragic that I've lost all sight of who I am or who I strive to be.  I'm still walking the walk.  I am a work in progress.

I wish I could tell you that being a survivor is full of triumphant moments and that I have a deeper understanding of myself.  To say that would be a half-truth.

The reality is that between the ages of six and fourteen, I had been the victim of child molestation.  The reality is that I had been changed emotionally and that to this day, my life reflects those changes.  I still catch glimpses of who I would have been, but I also deal with who I am now as an individual.

Much like an alcoholic who is in recovery that works their program one day at a time, as a survivor, you have to do the same.  Simply because you realize that something of extreme value was taken from you doesn't mean  that all of your problems that resulted from those encounters will be over.

You will have good and bad days.  Some days will be very easy and others you will struggle with. 

As part of initiating a much needed dialogue about this topic, I've participated in a documentary about it.  I am very candid about what took place.  I take my share of responsibility willingly.  Maybe I should be angry or hold grudges about what happened to me.  Ironically, I don't.

I had the good fortune to meet another abuse survivor when I reviewed her book entitled, "Without Permission."  Author Sharon R. Wells tells her story in the way that only she can tell it, only now, she is attempting to help others who have experienced the trauma of being violated by a predator.

2015 will be the year of change...both for myself as well as others around me.

Here is the link to the trailer of the documentary, "Without Permission."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3nme_TP2y0Q&sns=fb