How gullible are we?

When I decided to enter the literary industry, I didn’t have any idea how I was going to convey my thoughts over the topics that would cross my desk.  Initially, I began writing commentaries about whatever moved me at the moment.  This led to the discovery of something that every journalist should think of before putting fingers to keyboard.  It’s the one thing that is at times missing from news reporting in general…and that thing is honesty in writing.

Freedom of the press has given itself free reign over when and how it delivers news.  But somehow that has changed into news being delivered in a manner that we not only want to receive, but also the means of which it is delivered. 

The attention span of the average American citizen is short.  We want information but we only want what we are truly interested in and in most cases that interest has to be something that we agree with.

Objectivity in news reporting has gone to the extreme, at times reporting what we want to hear when we want to hear it.  If we want to hear that something or someone is bad, we simply turn the channel to the network that will support our belief regardless of whether it is right, wrong or otherwise.

You’ll find news media outlets that will report an event and put their own spin on the circumstance to support whatever their watchers happen to believe.  And unfortunately, this is happening with an alarming frequency.  Often you’ll see the same story being reported on two different channels and you wonder “How did they ever get there?”  Maybe they report some facts while leaving out others.  And if that be the case, is this truly the norm in reporting?  Do we willingly believe what is being spoon fed to us because we truly trust that what is being said is the truth, or do we hope it is the version of the truth that we want to believe?

It brings into question what we as a society hold dear as truth.  Do we believe the truth no matter what?  Or do we use our own intelligence and search for the answers that often times elude us, hiding behind a thin veil of what can be construed as honest reporting?

Someone once said that there are two sides of a story, and then there is the truth.

I’ve become leery of any new media outlet that reports a view point that leans too far to the left or right.  Instead, I try to remain objective and research issues that directly pertain to me when time permits.

In contrast, many of us don’t have the time to research the reporting given to us.  It is simply easier to believe what is being told to us without question or thought.  But do we believe what is told to us because it suits our belief system?  Is it easier to believe that things are chaotic when in fact things may be normal?  Do we believe that we are suffering when we are not?

I am watching the presidential campaign from a distance while simultaneously conducting my personal research.  It is necessary to do so to maintain my objectivity as a journalist.  I am not a fan of Donald Trump, but I believe that I have an idea as to why his campaign has gained the momentum that it has and it ties directly to the very topic of this article.

People are angry and they want to believe someone that speaks to their emotions of late.  And if someone speaks to that emotion it will strike a chord with that individual, no matter who that person may be.  There is a general consensus in this country that something has been lost and that our government has perhaps taken something from us.  Some of us will blame the president and his policies.  Some of us may blame the previous administration.  And still, some of us may blame the parties that were instrumental in creating the circumstances that we are in right now.  We can blame the Republicans, Democrats or a combination of the two.

Most of us will not.  We will blame one faction and hold onto whatever shred of proof to support our belief…even if the proof is thin.

I want fairness and equality for everyone in this country.  Everyone should have access to success, peace and prosperity.  That is not something given to only a choice few.

So as I watch the race for the Whitehouse continue, I will continue to do my research, listen to news reporting as it is given, but at the end of the day, I will make up my own mind as to who is speaking the truth as well as who is speaking a lie.

After all, that is my right.

J.L. Whitehead

Lifelong

Lifelong

You were a part of me long before we physically met.

How else can you explain a bond that formed so quickly and lasted for so long?

You were everything…more than I could ever allow myself to dream.

And you gave everything, even when you had nothing left to give.

You made me believe in forever, even when forever seemed lost.

It was never lost, only changing into what God had intended us to be.

For awhile, your smile lit up my world, engulfed my heart and spun me,

pitching me back and forth until I had no idea who I was or what I wanted to be.

You were and always will be.

I will see your face in the kiss of the moon, wrapped in a blanket of stars.

I will feel your embrace in the warmth of the sun as it slips into the twilight of night.

I will hear your voice in the gentle whisper of the wind.

I’ll know it’s you.  You won’t have to tell me.

No one will.

Because I was yours when you said “Hello” all those years ago.

Just as you were mine up until we changed.

I will love you forever, for you taught me that love is lifelong.

I would never have believed it had we never met.

So until we see each other again,

I will listen for you, in the gentle whisper of the wind.

J.L.Whitehead

02/05/2016

How do we fix us?

It’s Sunday Morning and I am sitting in bed with a pillow propped up against my back with my computer on my lap writing.  It’s a wonderful feeling considering I haven’t had the urge to write for months.  For some reason, today, I felt the need to write about a question that has been turning in my mind; revolving like a very slow moving carousel. I’ve been wondering if it is at all possible to fix us as both a race of people as well as a society.  

I’m not sure because even though the question in and of itself is simple enough, the answer is so complex and there are so many moving components to the resolution that you have to wonder if we could ever begin such a mass undertaking as a healing of the self – which is not to be confused with self preservation.

Healing of the self begins with the acknowledgement that something is wrong…that perhaps something is out of place or not working the way it should.  Most of us are very slow to admit that there may be something now quite right with ourselves because many of us have external sources that will do that for us, whether justified or unjustified.  We have no desire to add to the demolition of our own self esteem by coming clean with our own defects of character.  It's easier for us to look at others and perhaps condemn them the same way that we have been condemned.  And in the course of that condemnation, we build ourselves up because we don’t have to blame ourselves for our own misgivings.  Instead, we can look at our neighbor and tell others what they are doing wrong, whether it is how they are living their lives, raising their children or claiming their self-worth, regardless of the facts being founded in truth or embellishment.

When we do this, we open the door to all of the things that we claim to despise but revel in nonetheless.  We don’t love as we should, protect as we should or give as we should…but we want to be protected, given to and loved. 

We act as if we as individuals are the only ones that are entitled to the gifts that this world has to offer; oftentimes forgetting that what we have is simply on loan to us…that there is no way that we can take it with us when we die.  We have become a materialistic people, reveling in all of the accomplishments that we have made as members of the human race while forgetting that some us do not and perhaps never will have as much as we have right now at this very moment.

We struggle, but in that struggle we have forgotten how to love, cherish, honor, obey and yes, become immersed in the act of servitude because part of the joy of being human is to lift up others if at all possible.  But since no one is doing this for us as individuals, how can we possibly do that for someone else?

Our priorities have shifted from others, to us, to only me and we have adopted the attitude that ‘I will survive at any cost’, even if it means stepping on someone in the interim.  For many of us, this is life.  Take it or leave it, like it or love it, this is who we have become.  

Giving has taken a back seat to taking and taking has become commonplace.  If we aren’t taking for ourselves we are taking for our families, and it is in this that we claim that we love them.  So how do we fix us?  How do we fix the broken, battered and betrayed?

How do we move past hurts that have been inflicted on us to the point that the hurt becomes a part of who and what we are; and in that comes the possibility that we may inadvertently pass on that hurt to someone else.   Can we begin to heal the damage that has been done to us or are we doomed to repeat the mistakes that the generations before us have made?

In a heartfelt conversation that I had with my father, he had told me that no one in his family had ever told him that they loved him.  He only knew strict discipline and was subject to many a behind whipping.  As a result, he grew up to be a man who continually placed himself first because he had never known what it was like to have that done for him.  I often wonder what he would have been like had he just been shown love in its basic form.  At what point do we say that we will no longer carry the sins of our fathers (and mothers?)  At what point will we say that I want to love and protect my children better than my parents protected me?  At what point will we begin to give so that we can open the door to receive?  Is it possible for us to learn that the healing first begins with the smallest of steps, but in order to take that step, you have to look in the mirror and embrace what is not so perfect instead of hiding behind the illusion that we are, and then start from there because that is where it all begins?

As previously stated, we can begin to fix us, but the fixing only starts with us as an individual.  Our society has to be adjusted to accept and embrace the differences that have made us unique and wondrous.  Fixing the broken is so much more than internal correction.  It entails each and every person of every race, creed and national origin to let go of what they thought was right and implement what they know to be right.

This isn’t easy because for some of us, it entails undoing much of what we had been taught.  But right is after all right, and wrong is wrong.  How do we fix us?  

It starts with taking a first step…putting one foot in front of the other.  Sadly, many people are comfortable right where they are.

And that is a major part of the problem.

J.L. Whitehead

One in Six

One out of every six males in this country have been the victims of molestation.  Those are the statistics that I have found while conducting the research for my book, "One in Six...45 Years of Dark." 

Personally I think that the rates are higher since men overall don't talk about issues like molestation.  Men as a rule do not identify with being a victim or survivor...at least not when it comes to sex.

Even now, I don't identify with being a survivor.  I don't feel comfortable with that label.  Instead, I choose to believe that what happened to me between the ages of six and fourteen is something that occurred and that it shaped me into becoming who I am today.

When I decided to write this book, initially, I wanted to share my story in the hopes that someone would see themselves in certain aspects of my life.  I thought that maybe if I told  what happened to me and give my readers a window seat into my psyche as I became a man, it may provide them with a rule of thought that may explain why they may think and act the way they do.

Molestation is an ugly topic.  It's a topic that we shy away from as a society because we don't want to believe that this happens so often in a land of freedom and abundance.  We want to believe that the problem isn't as prevalent as it is or that it perhaps happens to a group that is demographically far from our ourselves. 

We may believe that molestation happens to economically challenged groups.  But like domestic violence, molestation happens in all aspects of society.  It happens to the poor and wealthy alike.  It happens to one in every six males, regardless of race, creed, religious affiliation, social status or sexual orientation.

Men of color don't talk about this.  Gay men of color may talk about what happened to them and in certain instances may wear what occurred as a badge of honor instead of thinking that something inside of them has been permanently altered.

After all, for a gay man, it is natural to sleep with a member of the same sex just like it is normal for a heterosexual male to sleep with a woman.  But regardless of the orientation of the victim or their willingness to participate in the activity, once you have sex with an adult, the trajectory of who you would have been has been altered...permanently.

And with that change comes other behaviors that may not be easily recognizable as defects of character.  Instead, it may be dismissed as behaviors attributed to something as simple as the person being who they are at that time.

Knowledge is power.  Once you know what is going on with you, you are equipped to change behaviors that may be detrimental to who you are as well as who you hope to become.

My story is coming...with all of it's tragedies, disappointments and triumphs.  Some of you may see glimpses of yourself in my words.  Some of you may not.  But on the maybe that you do, hopefully it will help you understand why you do the things you do and think the way you think.

Because as I said before, knowledge is power!

J.L. Whitehead

How to market your book when you self publish!

So you've written your book!  It's been edited and you're happy with the final product.  If you're like most of us, you don't have the backing of a publishing house that will take care of the promotional aspect of your work.  You want to put your book out there but you're not sure where to begin.

What do you do?

Well, first off, ask yourself why you wrote your book.  Who did you write the book for?  Who will read your book...or rather, who do you hope will read your book?  And before you answer that question, don't say "everyone."

Everyone will not read your book.  That's the simple truth...no matter how well your manuscript is written.  With that knowledge, acknowledge who WILL read your book and aim your promotional efforts at them.

Your promotional efforts should be done in stages.  After you've established who will read your book, find out where your audience congregate.

For instance, if you've written a book on self-help, wouldn't it make sense to reach out to organizations that would welcome your expertise?  Those organizations (and let's use mental health as an example) may provide you with some information that would prove to be invaluable as to where you can begin the promotion process.

Keep in mind that every organization may not be willing to speak with you, but the more times you try, the greater the chances are that one will be willing to give you some time.  They may even want to offer you a platform to speak about the topic of your work assuming that you've made a good case as to why you are qualified to write the book that you did.

Be armed with cards that will have your contact information.  If you have copies of your book on hand, be prepared to give away a few to those organizations so that they can see your work up close and personal.  While doing this, you should also be willing to create a buzz about your work by investing in yourself and taking out some space in local publications in the media including their Facebook page (once you have gained their permission to do so of course.)

Send them your press release.  See if they will be willing to give you a spot on their website and then blast this out to your following on your blog, website and Facebook page.

This is laying the ground work for your book.

Once you've done this, arrange for your official book release party and invite those same organizations to the event!

Your reach may be different and you may change or tweek your efforts depending on the subject matter of your work.  But you get my idea.

I wish you luck and remember, doing nothing gets you nothing...doing something may get you results!

J.L. Whitehead

The Year of Change

I've thought long and hard before diving head first into this issue.  Initially, I thought that this would be something that I could discuss, possibly even write about without opening up too many doors that I struggled to keep locked over the years.

I don't look at myself as a victim.  I don't look at what happened to me as something so tragic that I've lost all sight of who I am or who I strive to be.  I'm still walking the walk.  I am a work in progress.

I wish I could tell you that being a survivor is full of triumphant moments and that I have a deeper understanding of myself.  To say that would be a half-truth.

The reality is that between the ages of six and fourteen, I had been the victim of child molestation.  The reality is that I had been changed emotionally and that to this day, my life reflects those changes.  I still catch glimpses of who I would have been, but I also deal with who I am now as an individual.

Much like an alcoholic who is in recovery that works their program one day at a time, as a survivor, you have to do the same.  Simply because you realize that something of extreme value was taken from you doesn't mean  that all of your problems that resulted from those encounters will be over.

You will have good and bad days.  Some days will be very easy and others you will struggle with. 

As part of initiating a much needed dialogue about this topic, I've participated in a documentary about it.  I am very candid about what took place.  I take my share of responsibility willingly.  Maybe I should be angry or hold grudges about what happened to me.  Ironically, I don't.

I had the good fortune to meet another abuse survivor when I reviewed her book entitled, "Without Permission."  Author Sharon R. Wells tells her story in the way that only she can tell it, only now, she is attempting to help others who have experienced the trauma of being violated by a predator.

2015 will be the year of change...both for myself as well as others around me.

Here is the link to the trailer of the documentary, "Without Permission."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3nme_TP2y0Q&sns=fb

Men Don't Talk About It!

Men Don't Talk About It!!

We're used to being protector's, providers and caregivers.  We are used to being the ones that our families come to when they need strength and protection.

Unfortunately, many of us (1-6 to be precise) have been the victims of child molestation.  We don't talk about it because it is so far removed from the roles in life that we portray.  In all of those hats that we wear, being a victim isn't one of them.

We don't talk about it because it is easier to repress and forget rather than to relive and recover.

In the course of speaking with some male survivors, I've come to realize that when something is taken from you unwillingly, your response may range from anger to indifference.  We may not understand that from the moment of that first touch, wanted or unwanted, your emotional psyche has been altered.  For heterosexual men, the emotion thrown out of whack for them may be anger.  After all, it isn't natural for a heterosexual man to sleep with another man.

But what about gay men?  If it is natural for a gay man to sleep with another man, what emotion is thrown out of whack for them?

Being an abuse survivor who admits to being gay, I've come to realize that the emotion that was compromised for me was the need for love, inclusion and acceptance.

In "45 Years of Dark" I chronicle my personal experiences from the time of my molestations (Yes...it happened more than once by more than one perpatrator) to my realization that I was a victim and that I needed to reclaim what many a gay man needs to reclaim...their sense of their true self.

It took a lot out of me to put this project together and initially, I didn't even want to write it because I didn't want to relive the darker parts of my life.  But as the title suggest, I've lived in the dark for most of  my life.  It's time to shine the light into those dark places and walk into the warmth of healing.

This book is for any gay man who knows what it is like to have their innocence compromised because of a predator.

~ J.L. Whitehead

The Egotism in the Writing Industry

Every author thinks that he or she has written the next million seller.  Every author who puts pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard) will enter the literary industry thinking that their writing talent and business savvy will take them into a different way of life.

It takes guts to begin a project and see it through to the end.  You don't know how your work will be received.  You don't know how well it will sell...and no matter what you may tell yourself, you secretly hope that you  hit lightning in a bottle and somehow propel yourself into the realm of novel-writing royalty.

Realty has a tendency to wrap you in it's cool embrace when you start to realize that the Kathryn Stockett's of the world are far and few between...that indeed, the fame that was obtained by the author mentioned previously is the exception and not the norm.

I like reading the works of my fellow authors.  It helps me keep my finger on the pulse of what is going on in the literary industry; and while I understand that the viewpoints expressed in my reviews is exclusively mine, I try to be as fair and objective as possible.  In the course of writing a review, I send out a listing of the Pros and Cons of their work; something that most people in my position don't have to do.

The problem comes when author's only want to hear the "good" but not the "bad."  Or more succinctly put, they want the praise, but don't want the constructive criticism that comes with being an author.

With that being said, here is something that I wrote in September, 2013.  In some cases and with some authors, it really is worth repeating:

Ten Things I Wish I Knew Before Entering The Writing Industry!

1.  No matter how good you think you work is, everyone will not like what you've written...and they aren't supposed to.

     Writing is driven by perspective, and everyone will not share yours.  No matter how many  nods of approval you get, there will always be someone that will look at your book and not give it the approval that you feel it deserves.  Take it for what it's worth.  Don't let it discourage you and move on.

2.  Read the works of others...constantly!

     Don't become so involved with your own storyline that you don't have the time or patience to read the works of others.  Overall, it will make you a better writer and it will help you keep your finger on the pulse of the works of your constituents in the industry.

3.  Don't do business with friends.

     This sounds cold, but it really isn't.  I've lost a great deal of money and had friendships tainted because we decided to go into business together.  Oftentimes, it was because the person that I went into business with couldn't deliver what they promised...so instead of giving me what I paid for, they gave me something and then hoped that for the sake of friendship, I wouldn't be too upset over the loss.  The problem is, they aren't willing to give you even a portion of your money back because in their mind, they gave you "something."  Save your time and preserve your friendship...unless you are absolutely sure that they can live up to your expectations, don't do business with friends.

4.  Make sure that whomever you decide to do business with have verifiable references and examples of their work.

     People are funny.  Many times, people that go into business for themselves are always looking for new clients.  In doing so, they may see a need in you that they believe wholeheartedly that they can fill, even if they can't.  Save yourself some time, money and aggravation by asking two important questions:  1.  Do you have examples of your work?  2.  Do you have verifiable references?  If they don't have those two things, keep it moving.  I could have saved myself so much money if I had asked those two questions before forming business relationships.

5.  Have your work proofread...and then hire a reputable editor.

     I don't have to elaborate on this...do I?

6.  Listen to constructive criticism.

     I released the second half of my book recently.  It is currently on Amazon right now for sale.  During the upload process, I lost all of my quotation marks.  Another author pointed it out to me.  And even though I already knew it, he was bringing it to my attention not to be mean or callous, but to advise me of something that he may have thought I overlooked.  Bottom line is that he was right.  Learn to accept the criticism as well as the compliments.

7.  Promote your own work, but don't alienate your audience.

     This is hard because while you want people to know about your work, you don't want to bombard them to the point where they have no interest in it.  For instance, if you have a Facebook account and you drop people into conversations to tell them about your work, some people don't like being included in conversations that they haven't elected to participate in.  I see it all the time.  Know who your audience is and play up to them in such a way that you don't appear like the only thing of interest to you is your work...even if it's true for the moment.

8.  Be prepared to take your knocks!

     Things very rarely go as planned.  Many times, you will encounter obstacle after obstacle that will hinder you from getting you to where you are trying to get to.  It can be maddening, but it is part of the process.  For instance, when I uploaded the second installment of my book, I thought to myself, "That's it.  I'm done."  And then I took a deep breath only to find out that the my quotations marks were eliminated during the upload process and that I had to do more work to give my readership a better reading experience.  It's crazy, but I wasn't prepared for so many obstacles to block me from reaching my goal.  But they're there.  Just be ready for them.

9.   Write when your mind is clear.

      Have you ever had a bad day at work or had something personal going on but you wanted to work on your book anyway just for the sake of getting another chapter done?  I am a "mood" writer.  I can't write when I'm upset or worked up about something.  Others can.  But the ones that can find that they don't do their best work when their mind is otherwise preoccupied.  Clear your head.  Or better yet, deal with what pissed you off as best as you can before you start putting fingers to keyboard.

10.  Set aside time in this industry to write for you and only you.

       I blog and have two columns in two publications.  Most of the time, I'm writing to showcase someone elses work.  I thought by paying it forward, I could shed some light on another author that could use it and at the same time, shed some light on myself.  It doesn't always work out that way; yet I wouldn't change the way I do things...except for this:  Make sure you set aside time to write for you!  Work on your book, your poetry, your letters...anything that you can call exclusively yours.  Because sometimes at the end of the day, you are all you have.

~ J.L. Whitehead